You know, pretty much every grown-up has been through some relationship roller coaster that's etched in their memory forever.
Personally, I've got this one relationship that didn't exactly wrap up with a neat bow. Even today, I'm still holding onto a bit of anger—not at the other person, but at myself. While we were in this relationship, we were both busting our chops to make it work, but somewhere along the line, it just didn't work, one doesn't want to row the boat anymore.
She went through this massive change when she hit college again, started getting all high and mighty, acting like no one's busier than her. Maybe it's just my vibe, but it's like trying to talk to a wall. Misunderstandings are piling up, turning into a ticking time bomb. I can't help but feel like I'm more of a roadblock than a support to her.
I know I should move on from this sh*t. But I need to write this, because it's like there's this giant lump in my chest, and no matter what I do, I just can't shake it loose. I feel like I can't really feel genuinely happy as long as these feelings are still there.
Deja vu balik ke tahun 2011, disaat dia lagi sibuk-sibuknya skripsi tetiba ngeghosting, ngilang gak ada kabar. Gak mau diganggu sama sekali. Giliran ditanya kenapa kaya gitu? eh gue diputusin.
Hubungan selama 10 tahun on-off kaya saklar listrik, balik putus balik putus balikan lagi, alesan balik lagi? Karena saat itu ya masih sayang banget, and I'm really trying to make things work for us, but it seems like I'm flying solo on this one.
"Ya mungkin karena kamu kuliahnya di kampus A, jadi gak sesibuk kampus aku. Tolong ngertiin lah, tugas ku banyak banget. Kamu pengen aku ngorbanin tugas-tugas kuliahku buat balesin chat kamu doang?"
Whoa, do I even know you anymore? Is this the same person I fell head over heels for back in the day?
People can definitely get a bit full of themselves, you know? But whether it's their true nature or just a side effect of feeling superior, that's the real head-scratcher. People change, sometimes for the worse, and it's hard to tell if it's a temporary arrogance thing or if it's here to stay.
Padahal, lanjut ke jenjang pendidikan yang lebih tinggi jadi mimpi yang pengen kita kejar bersama. Dan kebetulan kita mulai kuliah S2 di waktu yang hampir berdekatan saat itu. Tapi ternyata gak semua orang bisa multitasking. That's why I felt deja vu.
She said, "Yes sure, I'll let you know again."
Really, no ill intention on my side. It's been a while since we talked and the last breakup was a bit of a communication mess, and it's been gnawing at me ever since. I thought 3 years after the last breakup, we were ready to face each other again. But she never shows up.
Tepat hari H ketemuan, chat gue sengaja gak dibaca. She didn't reply, or give any assurance whether she would come or not. Gue nunggu sampe lumayan malam di sekitar lokasi rencana ketemuan. Dan akhirnya malam itu gue pulang dengan perasaan kesal yang masih bisa gue rasain kalo diinget lagi saat ini.
2 hari kemudian chat gue baru dibalas, semua excuse kayaknya dia keluarin. Hehehe..
Tapi gue udah keburu sakit hati, untuk yang kesekian kali.
If she's acting like that as a way to protect her feelings, what about mine? Even during our time together, some of her actions hurt me deeply, leaving behind wounds that still affect me today. I forgive her, but not to forget.
It's bugging me how she deals with her feelings about me. I'm cool if she doesn't wanna meet up; a straight-up "NO" is crystal clear for me, but she hangs me like a wet laundry. I guess her insecurity about me is like, mega-sized, and I'm starting to think it's kinda my bad from stuff in the past.
Most recently, I just realized that I was being blocked. But it's okay, and it should be like that.
Hopefully, it can bring peace to her life. And closure to my mind.
At least it's good to know that our paths won't cross again. Even in the event of an accidental encounter, it seems like it would be better if we didn't seem to know each other.
Nevertheless, I wish her all the best things in the world. I mean it.
"You deserve all the happiness, but when you find someone you fall in love with, I hope you treat them right. Cherish them and respect them the way you want to be respected.
Last but not least, I gotta say, I'm grateful and proud to myself. Even without you, I managed to navigate through it all, and it hit me that you're not my sole happiness dealer."
I've completely torched that book, no looking back.
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